girlalu stuffs and others

getting hitched

2005-07-12T12:06:00.000+08:00

so my cousin is getting married. should i say "finally"? or should i be surprised? she's already 27

getting married is not that easy. i know. that is why i have my own uncertainties about it..

but when my cousin told me about her plans, i was not actually shocked. i mean, after all, she's not getting any younger. and ive known her to be the type who, at her age, was actually having plans of already settling down..

but when you get married, do you really get settled down? or things get worse?

i dont know.

she just met the guy and they had a plan of getting married next year. so what should i say?

i dont know.

love- pamatay

2005-04-13T23:39:00.000+08:00

kung matotomboy man ako, the only reason is carrie underwood.
i think that's the reason why love is a battlefield- my love for her is a battlefield.. ayokong mag-explain.

dessie said that bo looked like count dracula.
well, the sexiest vampire i've seen- i'd be a willin victim.

i hope anthony would never go because if he'll do, he'll take a piece of me with him.

simon cowell: it was astonishing!
for me, constantine was a resurrection from the dead.
he keeps the passion alive.
the only thing i said after his performance was:
i love you constantine! i love you, i love you, i love you!

phantom craze

2005-03-23T14:05:00.000+08:00

aieeeee!!! i found a picture of gerard butler in the inquirer..!! in love na ako sa kanya..!! ang gwapo gwapo talaga ng phantom..!! kainis.. kainis..
im so depressed after watching phantom of the opera with ella last time.. sobrang depressed to the point na i dream of it.. wala na.. hopeless na..
...
christine: teach me how to say goodbye...

tsumambang love poem

2005-02-27T15:00:00.000+08:00

when my eyes are closed

solace.
enclosed in your arms i lay.
security.
your fingers slip into the empty space of my fingers.
shelter.
you cover me in an embrace.
sweetness.
in your shoulders i fall asleep.

it is peace when you lie next to me.
.....

chancy: this is more than a lover. this achieves a different level of intimacy.
vivian: *ang lapad ng ngiti, iniisip: yan! yan ang nagagawa ng non-existent ang lovelife! nyahaha!*

temporary madness

2005-02-27T14:41:00.000+08:00

isisi ba sa kanya na di pa ko over sa moment na ang saya ng feeling na pinansin niya ako?

kung bakit samputsang malas (o swerte?) ba naman kasi, e ako pa ang pinansin? tuloy, baliw na 'ko.

emote

2005-02-02T18:09:00.000+08:00

a scene from stairway to heaven

cholo: ang tunay na pag-ibig, parang ganito
cholo: *shows the boomerang to Jodie/Jenna*
cholo: bumabalik sa'yo
cholo: *throws the boomerang in the air*
jodie: *shouts, thinking the boomerang might hit her*
cholo: *catches the boomerang*
jodie: na- catch mo! ang galing!
cholo: *shows and teaches her how to play with the boomerang*
jodie: *enjoys it, gives him a genuine smile*

.....

bumabalik ba talaga ang tunay n pag-ibig? halimbawang may inakala kang tunay na pag-ibig, pero hindi naman pala? worst: dahil akala mo, tunay mo siyang pag-ibig, hinihintay mo siyang bumalik.

simple things

2005-02-01T08:40:00.000+08:00

this happened last sunday...
(me and pitpit)

i was just surprised with how a simple gesture made me glad...

me: busy washing the dishes in full concentration
pitpit: carrying two bottles of Pop litro in each hand
pitpit: ba- bye te!
me: taken aback when pitpit spoke and said goodbye, they're going home on another nearby street
me: ba- bye!
me: still washing the dishes, smiling...
........

when pitpit was four, i had a broken heart. he saw me cry. the following day, he gave me a flower.

never

2005-02-01T08:27:00.000+08:00

doesn't matter now you're gone
you've never been 'round...

i dont know if i really never had your heart. siguro I did pero sandali lang. it could not be mine forever. pero it doesn't matter na. at least my life's complete even without you. even happier that you're not around. i could be my own girl.

i have already forgiven myself and i think that's enough. i hope you would, too. and be happy...

even if i wasn't meant to be the one who could reach out to your heart forever, i hope if you find her, you'll be a better person. you would not rob her of her personality. i wish you could love yourself enough. so you could love another person enough as well.

and if you won't listen, if you wont change?
doesn't really matter if you don't,
you never listened...
..........
i found this in one of my notebooks... wrote this last year....

short great love

2004-10-02T18:18:00.000+08:00

the story of my life...
one of my friends told me that he's probably my first love. he was the hardest to forget. he was the hardest to get over with. even until now...

but no, im not bitter each time i remember him. i just have this feeling of loss hanging on me. losing something so special.

begins the day you came...
there was this silent figure who sat in a corner and whom, sometimes, i would catch staring at me. they told me he likes me.

i noticed him because he preferred staying in a corner, looking from a distance. i started feeling something...

it would pass by or so i thought. it didnt. something in me grew. but i tried hard to purge it. my parents instilled in my mind that its better to concentrate on my studies than on anything else. isa pa, my cousins told me that maybe it was just infatuation or exaggerated over-over crush. so i did. i tried.

i failed. trying hard to forget him all the more made me think of him.

he has a way of lookin at me when our eyes meet. and if there had been something between us, it only passed between our eyes. i couldnt even name it. it was hard to put into words.

and ends the day you left...
he told me he loved me... finally! torpe pala! sobra!

but what was being torpe? they said it was true love. to have a hard time articulating his feelings.

but he was called home. and panabo and davao used to be so far from each other for me. so i cried all summer, cried all third year high school. he never came back.

he never went to see me in school...

i moved on. i stopped crying. but i didnt forget.

how could i forget? when i would still feel the nervous feeling the first time i noticed his eyes and his smile everytime i talk about him with my friends?

how could i forget? when i would still feel him watching me when he's not even around, see his shy smile somewhere?

how could ou forget the only person who made you feel that you are so special and very much loved without even saying or doing anything?

how? its been five years but i still didnt learn how to.

he did nothing except that he touched my life in such a way very much his own and my life has changed forever.

he didnt even held my hand...

.....

2004-09-29T14:55:00.000+08:00

no point in trying to find me again
im not the woman that was then
the phase when i threw haste caution to the wind
and realized too late what a mess i made

and i tried to assimilate
its a lie and a truth at the same time
i find after all this time
ive been damned to live
outside the world that i was born in

i uncovered the streets i hide
i recovered the mind that had died
i discovered the life that i tried to live
and forgive in apricot time

no point in saying she's an arab girl
as if that's all there is to claim about her
if you look closely you'll see a transparent film
designed to hide and exercise her shame

and i tried to differentiate
and your lies between the good and the bad things
its hard when youre lost in space
across golf, misplaced love and hate...

apricot time, layla kalif

Eyes

2004-09-28T14:40:00.000+08:00

She has a wonderful pair of eyes...

How can such eyes that keep and hold so much pain be wonderful?

I want to ask you.. why my eyes? Why did you see them? What do you see in my eyes? Do you know something? Do youknowthe pain?

But my eyes. Could they be exceptional? You look at me and I can see that I want to ask myself if they are. Will you ever see what they are trying to tell you? I didn't know, didn't use to know that they reveal something. Are they telling you something?

And if you ever find out what its trying to tell you, would you still look at me like what you always do and then make me wonder what your stare was all about? Would you ever find out? When you find out, will you still look at my eyes? If you find out what it's telling you, would you still say: she has a wonderful pair of eyes?

Adia...I'm crazy because...

2004-09-28T05:55:00.000+08:00

worse: i'm losing something even before it becomes mine.
worst: i'm losing something which was never really mine.

so why do i fret that you dont seem to want me around you. you have become invisible. you've come to take yourself away. why have you appeared in the first place?

i didn't mean to feel for you, Adia. i didnt mean to. and i would not say that i'm sorry. because sorry wont do you and wont do me any good. i dont feel sorry for this. i dont blame you and i dont blame me.

Adia...I'm just crazy...

secret men

2004-09-27T15:34:00.000+08:00

they make you fall by simply doing nothing...
.....................................................................................................
you are thinking of how frustrated you are because your short story is killed (again) and you feel so depressed. the travel to downtown which is very tiring is another thing that you mind.

and when you think, wonder of wonders!, things appear. you are jolted out of youer existence because another presence disturbs you.his aura touches your fingertips that no matter how you keep your silence, your heart leads your eyes, and yes, you look.

and he looks the way you look when you're in space, floating in the vast universe, colliding with the stars- when you dont know what to do with your life because you aint got no sleep because the semester is almost ending and you have to rush so many deadlines.

then because you looked, you notice his eyes, his different eyes that he covers with a supersaiyan hair and rugged pants... or maybe you're just imagining.

but could you forget those eyes- staring into space, into the universe you thought you only owned?
.....................................................................................................
you are walking down the gutter with your friend and you are talking. you just keep on walking. you want to reach the jeepney terminal faster but youre not walking fast. youre taking time.

and you cross the path with him. and you turn your head to look for another second. the simple stride, the neat white polo handled well, the careful carrying of the bag...

the romeo? not of the 90's. the romeo that speaks to your heart with a silent promise. the romeo that doesn't look as good as tom cruise or orlando bloom or ryan gosling. the romeo that you pass by and you just pass by (but notice his eyeglass).

yes you just pass by him but you turn your head, your heart does not beat faster but it tells you something like when the sky is clear but it suddenly rains...
.....................................................................................................
guava in one hand, munched like a bread to suffice for hunger, the school hunger, mind hunger.. you are bored because the ride hom eis long and traffic is jamming.

when he first let himself in the jeepney, the guava in his hand is the first thing you notice. and you notice him again because of the bite he is taking from the guava in his hand.

you see he feels contented; like munching the guava is all he could care for, his oblivion from the traffic that only which the city could offer. then you notice him again because he had an expression on his face that you usually do-- makes him childishly man and manly childish.

then the jeepney stops, he comes down. and as you imagine him bidding you goodbye, the memory of the guava he munched stays on your mind.
.....................................................................................................
the poetic eyes swimming in space

the secret behind the eye glasses

the guava and the expression

by nothing
you fall...

2004-09-26T14:32:00.000+08:00

give me release
witness me
i am outside
give me peace

heaven holds a sense of wonder
and i wanted to believe
that i'd get caught up
when the rage in me subsides

passion chokes the flower
until she cries no more
possessing all the beauty
hungry still for more

in this white wave
i am sinking
in this silence
in this white wave
in this silence
i believe

i cant help this longing
comfort me
i cant hold it all in
if you wont let me

i have seen you
in this white wave you are silent
you are breathing
in this white wave...
i am free

--silence,sarah mclachlan

the over-and-over-again Death

2004-09-26T00:26:00.000+08:00

I die.
Each time my story is killed.
It is my life.
I put everything I have in it.
I give everything I own for it.

A lot of stories heve been here today and gone tomorrow. So much of my life had been spent already. Death had been a frequent visitor.

So who would not be numbed by dying over and over again?
--The reason I'm still here.
I survive to die again to survive...

story beginning

2004-09-25T04:15:00.000+08:00

once in passing you said something to me that i seemed to have forgotten. i was washing the dishes at the sink and listened to the water slowly dripping from the faucet. i tried to remember but i couldn't, the dishes kept me busy. the other children were playing outside in their shrilly voices, having fun under the sun. i looked out the window to make sure everybody was alright. then i went back to rinsing the dishes i soaped.

my concentration was nabbed by your gentle tug on my skirt and whne i turned and looked down, i saw you.

"what is it?" i was drying my hand in my skirt. you shook your head and in your little voice, said, " nothing." then i gathered you in my arms and put you on the top of the chairs piled up. i went back to the sink and while rinsing the dishes again, i sang you a song. i have gotten used to that, singing a song for you everytime you tug at my skirt while the other children were screaming with fun outside the house.

then one by one, the children were gone and replaced with new ones. those who were gone have found new parents while those who replaced the ones who were gone would, in due time, find their own parents. then you grew up a little and i would still sing for you the song you've come to love while you sit on top of the chairs piled up.

night falls
and you're in my dreams
so real
you're still here
day breaks
and the hope that seems
so real
seems to disappear

then one day, the parents you found, took you away. you mother held your little hands while you looked ta me and i waved but you didn't smile. you didn't understand. you just walked away. with them, you had to walk away.

the other children were waving goodbye as your parents took you to their car and i stayed by the door. i couldn't get near. your face started to blur when the engine started and slowly, you were gone. all that was left was the dust from the car's tire.

when i opened the faucet in the sink, memory came back as the water dripped. my tears flowed with the water on the sink.

"someday when i grow and i dont have to sit on the top of the chairs, i wish to sing the song you sing for me," your little eyes sparkled when you told me that one day.

no one tugs at my skirt anymore. the children would still play outside. i wash the dishes every now and then. i still sing the song:

night falls
and you're in my dreams
its the story of my life...

grrr... I hate this

2004-09-25T04:02:00.000+08:00

Ang malas malas ko- first time na nagloko ang diskette ko. Can you imagine yourself spending all your effort para i-type ang short story mo at i-store sa diskette hoping that you would be able to e-mail your teacher na tapos nag transfer ka from green meadows to mintal. Sure naman na na-save mo sa diskette nong nasa green meadows ka pa pero pagdating sa mintal, wala!!! what will you do? murag pwede mamatay ug mukaging?
kailangan kaya yun bukas. i really hate it... so so hate it... ive never experienced something like this before... i hate that internet cafe in green meadows... forever banned na yun sa life ko... hmmmp walang silbi....!!!! bakit pa kasi ako nag try na mag type doon, bakit ba kasi di na lang ako dumiretso ng mintal... siyet as in taeeee!!!
i dont like it. sobrang hate ko yung feeling ko ngayon. next time nalang siguro ako mag e-email. holler! pagod na kaya akong mag type no. baka may problema lang sa computer dito sa mintal at di ma read ng computer dito yung gi-type ko doon. ill try it in other netcafes na lang. pag di talaga mag work, i have to start typing all over again.. but im keeping my fingers crossed that it will be ok. kapoy na ulit...
god, helppppp!

so my first entry in this blog is about my galit... how sad and unintelligible...
poor
depressing

I HATEIT

2004-09-24T13:01:00.000+08:00